Glacier Natl Park asked: Since you guys didn’t like the Kurtis Blow lyrics and my new post can’t be seen due to low rating, I’m posting here as a continuation…
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
Not even a blouse, that momma would wear;
showing nipples and pimples, and a little pubic hair.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
Arriving in crushed velvet, with Tims on his feet,
carrying a satchel of presents and holiday treats.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
Mamma was breakin’ me off with the goods,
While cousins were sleep on couches, We So Hood.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
Sirens and horns, started to blare,
and momma was startled while fixing her hair;
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
Out on my lawn, taking poops like humans,
wrecking navity scenes, disconnecting lights, I’m assuming;
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
(a chick I had dated, her favorite place was the kitchen,)
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
(she like it real rough, with ham and all the fixin’)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
I grabbed my shot gun and ran down the stairs,
stopped short and realized I was in my underwears;
Nicholas too.
I let off a round in the air, at the door I sent two,
Maybe deer meat would be good for the crew;
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
I decided to put the sawed off shotgun down,
I grabbed my rifle and layed down on the ground.
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
I told him, “Be easy, before I put one in your head,”
He smiled real sleasy, like he had nothing to dread.
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose lik
like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
I asked him what the heck he was doing here,
and he twinkled his nose and gave me a sneer.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He blew a ring of smoke, said “I’m dropping off presents,
You’ve been a good father, teaching children good lessons.”
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
I guess he was good since he held his gat,
until he reached in his sack and pulled out a bat.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
He asked me for cookies, then asked me for milk,
then told me my wife was one hell of a milf.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
I peered through the window and wondered in awe,
Could I have been dreaming, Or did I see what I saw.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”
Question posted courtesy of: Bradley
